Tips for Sharing Your Values with Your Teenagers

Thanks to our friends at HealthyChildren.org for these guidelines!

Today, teenagers are bombarded with conflicting, ever-shifting standards of ethics and morality, at the very time they’re in the process of formulating a system of beliefs. This is not only confusing for them but troubling for their parents because they can no longer rely on society to reinforce the values they teach at home.

Previous generations depended upon a complex matrix of people and institutions to uphold the community’s moral codes. Extended family members, neighbors, religious and civic organizations, and schools expanded a parent’s sphere of influence beyond the home. What’s more, most mothers and fathers felt they could depend on other parents and adults in the community to back them up, to adhere to the same basic values and rules of conduct for their children. In many cases, that safety net has been stretched thin, a consequence of the high divorce rate, longer work weeks and other societal changes that have taken place over the last several decades.

Exacerbating matters, we often find ourselves competing with the ever-more invasive influence of media, which tries to unify the increasingly fragmented audience by an appeal to its insatiable appetite for sensationalism, sex and celebrity worship. If we’re to counterbalance these outside influences, it’s up to parents to build their youngsters a sturdy moral and ethical foundation. Though it may not always seem like it, you are the guiding influence in your teenager’s life. Don’t hesitate to express your views on drug use, sex, racial intolerance, hate crimes and other matters that affect your children, especially when setting a limit or administering discipline. First, however, you must thoughtfully reflect on your positions. Discuss with your youngster what you believe and why, as in the example below. He may not like the rule or punishment, but at least he may come away satisfied that it’s not being imposed arbitrarily.

Children need to know where Mom and Dad stand, if only to have a belief system from which to craft their own. They may disagree with you—defy you, even—but eventually they will probably respect you for your convictions. According to a number of studies, most kids return to and adopt their parents’ values by their mid-twenties.

The Most Effective Way to Instill Values? By Example

Your words will carry more weight if you model the values and habits you want your teenager to emulate. Walk the talk, so to speak. Adolescents whose parents smoke, for example, are three times more likely to take up cigarettes than children from homes where tobacco is not used.

Nevertheless, the fact that parents may fail to practice what they preach—either now or in the past—does not preclude them from imparting ethics and morals to their children. Being perfect is not a prerequisite of parenthood. The inevitable protest, an indignant “But you do it!” (surely you saw that one coming), has a surprisingly simple comeback. In the box at right, “it” happens to be smoking. But you can tailor your response for any behavior or attitude that is inappropriate, unsafe or illegal for a minor.

Parents who perhaps experimented with drugs, alcohol or sex years ago face a similar dilemma. Is it hypocritical to prohibit your teenager from doing things that you did when you were his or her age? In a word, no. You are acting as a concerned parent who has learned from experience and wants to protect her child.

Earlier we cautioned parents against volunteering stories from their youth too freely. But what if your child asks you point blank, “Did you ever _____ when you were a kid?” When it comes to run-of-the-mill teenage dilemmas involving sex, drugs, smoking, school and so forth, speak up. A parent’s admitting to previous lapses in judgment or ethics can make for powerful testimony about the advantages of traveling the proper path. Don’t overdramatize or resort to scare tactics. Just be honest:

“When I was sixteen, I let a boy I was dating pressure me into having sex. Looking back, I realize I wasn’t mature enough to handle it. I got hurt pretty badly. I wish I’d waited until I was older.”

“During my sophomore year in college, I was getting high every weekend. One night I drove home from a bar drunk and crashed into a parked car. The police and the paramedics were amazed I wasn’t killed. It took me a couple of years to straighten myself out. That’s what drugs and alcohol did for me. I hope you’ll be a lot smarter than I was and not get into that stuff.”

However, there may well be aspects of your personal life that you would rather not divulge, particularly if your youngster is emotionally immature, a gossip or prone to throwing things back in your face when tempers flare. Consider relating your experience as if it happened to someone you “knew,” provided it’s not anyone your child could identify. The point of this type of discussion is to raise your teenager’s awareness of what’s at stake and how her decisions can have consequences, not to gain her trust by baring your soul or airing your dirty laundry. Parents who do that too often or indiscriminately risk losing their children’s respect and undermining their authority. Use common sense.

More information from HealthyChildren.org.

MOST eNews December 2014

Continue reading MOST eNews December 2014

Baby Brain Maps - Key to Diagnosing Disorders?

Although we’re always learning new things, our brains grow the most before age 6, when they’re about 90 percent the size of an adult brain. In an effort to learn more about the growing postnatal brain, a team of researchers have mapped the brains of infants during their first three months of life.

“A better understanding of when and how neurodevelopmental disorders arise in the postnatal period may help assist in therapeutic development,” said Dr. Dominic Holland, first author of the study published in JAMA Neurology. “Early intervention during a period of high neuroplasticity could mitigate severity of the disorders in later years.”

Up until now, most doctors used measuring tape to measure babies’ skull sizes, but by creating a template of the actual brain regions and their size, doctors will be better able to see when things start to go wrong. Studies have shown that neurodevelopmental disorders, such as depression, anxiety and ADHD can arise from poor brain development. The child may then go on to have difficulty socializing, succeeding in school, and working in the real world later on.

Holland and his colleagues found that the brain grew the quickest right after birth, at an average rate of one percent each day. By the end of the third month, it had slowed to a growing rate of 0.4 percent each day. When it came to specific parts of the brain, they found that the cerebellum, where movement is controlled, nearly doubled in size over the study period. It was also the fastest growing area of the brain. The slowest growing area was the hippocampus, which is responsible for memories.

The research also proved once again that babies born preterm are at a higher risk of illness. Those born a week early had a brain that was “four to five percent smaller than expected for a full-term baby,” Holland said. “The brains of premature babies actually grow faster than those of term-born babies, but that’s because they’re effectively younger — and younger means faster growth.” Still, he noted that preterm babies’ brains were two percent smaller at the end of the study term.

The study was performed using MRI brain scans, which 87 healthy babies were given during their first week of life. Some of them followed up with subsequent brain scans at the end of the first month, then again at the end of three months. The researchers said that if future studies analyze a larger group of babies, creating a reference point for neurodevelopmental disorders will be possible.

Full story.

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Happy Thanksgiving

The MOST family has much to be thankful for this year.

We are especially thankful for YOU who always supports MOST.

Have a warm and wonderful Thanksgiving and thanks for all you do for MOST!

In Memory of Marie Boyle

MOST wishes to thank the McGinley family for supporting multiple birth families through their donation in memory of Marie Boyle.

In Honor of Jordan, Connor and Cassandra Dickey

MOST wishes to thank the Dickey family for supporting multiple birth families through their donation honoring their triplets.

Ten Tips for Quality TV Viewing

We have all heard that total entertainment screen time (TV, computer, tablet, etc…) should be limited to less than 1 to 2 hours per day for children, and kids under age two should not be exposed at all. But that can be hard to do!

Here are 10 tips to help you stop wasting time on junk viewing and get the most out of TV.

  1. Expect to encounter resistance at first. After all, change is never easy. If yours is a household where the TV regularly blares for five, six or seven hours a day, wean the family gradually. Try cutting down by an hour a week or go cold turkey. The two-hour maximum includes time spent in front of any screen, including the computer and video games.
  2. Make TV viewing an active choice, as if you were picking a movie from the newspaper. “How about if we watch at seven-thirty?”
  3. Hide the remote! Eliminate channel surfing, which encourages passive viewing. When family members have to get up to change the channel, they may be more selective about the programs they watch. If nothing else, at least they’ll be getting some exercise.
  4. When the show you wanted to watch is over, turn off the set. Also, if the program you choose isn’t compelling enough to watch actively, it’s not worth keeping on as background noise.
  5. Make a household rule: no TV in your youngster’s bedroom. Although adolescents deserve their privacy, they hardly need another reason to isolate themselves from the rest of the family. Children should watch their favorite shows in a central area of the home. Even if you’re not sitting down with them, this allows for conversation when you’re passing through and enables you to keep closer tabs on what they’re watching.
  6. Whenever possible, videotape programs and watch them later. Fast-forwarding through commercials will shave ten minutes off every hour of TV viewing, not to mention help your youngster hold on to her allowance longer. (When watching TV in “real time,” mute the sound during the breaks.) Taping shows ahead of time also allows you to hit the PAUSE button when you want to make a point or have a family discussion about something you’ve just seen onscreen.
  7. Discourage repeated viewings of the same video. The graphic language, violence and sexual content of movies rated PG-13 and R can have a cumulative effect on a child if they’re watched over and over again.
  8. Harness the power of television in a positive way. For all its flaws, TV can be a valuable tool for learning and expanding one’s awareness of the world.
    • Check the listings for programs that explore areas of interest to him.
    • Use events in the news and subjects of fictitious programs as springboards for discussion.
    • Encourage your youngster to broaden her horizons by watching programs that transport her to other times and places, or that expose her to different perspectives or philosophies.
  9. Make use of ratings systems to know whether or not a program or movie is appropriate for your child.
  10. Talk back to your TV – “Vote with Your Remote.” Many parents are rightfully perturbed about the seemingly endless stream of violence and sex in television programs and films, including those aimed at young people. We should be equally concerned about what they don’t show: namely, the real-life consequences of such actions. For example, 75 percent of the violent scenes on TV fail to show the perpetrator expressing remorse, or being criticized or penalized for his actions. Similarly, a study from the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation found that over a one-week period, roughly 90 percent of the television programs containing sex scenes did not include a single reference to the risk of pregnancy or acquiring a sexually transmitted disease from unprotected sex.

Full story

MOST eNews November 2014

  • RSV Season Has Begun
  • Prematurity Awareness Month
  • International Multiple Birth Awareness Week
  • Adopt A Family – starting soon!
  • Stories from the Heart blog

Rice 360° Receives Grant to Develop Device for Infants at Risk from Apnea

You may remember a previous article about Rice University students who invented a portable CPAP machine that fit in a shoe box. Now Rice students have invented another low-cost tool for NICUs in developing countries.

The BreathAlert device, originally designed in 2012 by engineering students as their senior capstone project, will be evaluated and optimized to detect and correct episodes of apnea in low-resource settings where traditional vital-signs monitoring is not available.

The work is part of an ongoing collaboration with pediatricians at Queen Elizabeth Central Hospital in Blantyre, Malawi, who identified the critical need for low-cost monitoring tools and have provided clinical guidance on the project, said Maria Oden, director of Rice’s Oshman Engineering Design Kitchen.

“Sixty seven percent of babies born before 32 weeks’ gestation suffer from apnea of prematurity, so that is well over a million babies a year, worldwide,” Oden said. “If a baby stops breathing in the developed world, an alarm immediately summons a nurse to intervene. That nurse will usually pat the baby vigorously to wake them up.

“In a busy ward where there might be 40 babies and one overworked nurse, this baby’s survival is really a game of chance. It relies on this nurse to observe the baby at the exact moment they stop breathing and intervene. BreathAlert was designed to detect and automatically intervene in cases of apnea.”

The low-cost device incorporates a stretch sensor that wraps around a child’s chest and a vibrator that activates if the child stops breathing for more than 15 seconds. They are currently testing how well it can detect breaths and apnea on breathing mannequins. They are also testing it on full-term infants in Houston hospitals to see if it can accurately detect breaths and if its vibration can stir sleeping babies.

Full story.

In Memory of Joey and Connor Mullery

MOST wishes to thank the Mullery family for supporting multiple birth families through their donation in memory of Joey and Connor.

In Honor of Ryan, Trevor and Siobhan Mullery

MOST wishes to thank the Mullery family for supporting multiple birth families through their donation honoring their triplets.

Discipline Tips from Behavior Therapists

Many parents assume that “discipline” refers to ways to carry out effective punishment. However, teaching discipline really means teaching self-control. In most cases, you will find that you have 3 choices when confronted with a particular behavior in your child: you can praise the behavior, deliberately ignore it, or punish your child for it. Of course, it is not always easy to decide whether a behavior deserves to be ignored or punished, and it is not always obvious when and how to provide praise.

Many parents using behavior therapy techniques rely on the following simple rules when interacting with their children:

 

  • If you want to see a behavior continue, praise it.
  • If you do not like a behavior but it is not dangerous or intolerable, ignore it.
  • If you have to stop a behavior that is dangerous or intolerable (for instance, your child hitting a sibling to hurt her, not just to get your attention), punish it.

Consider how much more powerful and, in most cases, preferable positive reinforcement and ignoring are to punishment, even though in the heat of the moment this may go against your instincts or intuition. It may help to think about how much more likely you are to work hard when your supervisor at work recognizes and praises your efforts, and how poorly motivated and resentful you may feel if she frequently criticizes you. In the same way, your child is more likely to respond positively to your actions if you react positively to her, while a negative comment or response on your part is likely to lead to more negative behavior.

Giving Clear Commands

The first step in helping your child learn to follow rules, obey your commands, and otherwise manage her own behavior is to make sure that the commands you give her are clear. Adults are often accustomed to couching their commands in a variety of “softening” or ambiguous gestures and phrases. Many of us also tend to react too strongly or impulsively to behavior we consider unacceptable.

Establish good eye contact. You must fully engage your child’s attention by making good eye contact if she is going to hear and follow what you say. At first, you may find it helpful to touch a younger child’s arm or hold her hand before addressing her.

Clearly state the command. You can make commands clear to your child by first stating what behavior therapists call a terminating command—a simple, non-emotional statement of what you want your child to do (“You need to stop pushing your brother.”). If the behavior does not stop immediately, you can then follow up with a warning that includes the exact limit and the consequences (“If you push your brother one more time, you’ll be in time-out. If you stop immediately, the two of you can go on playing.”). When stating a command, keep your tone of voice firm and neutral. Refrain from yelling, or looking or sounding angry. It is especially important to monitor your body language because these nonverbal messages are so easy for parents to overlook. State the command as an instruction, not as a question (Not, “Would you please stop teasing your brother?” or “Stop teasing him, OK?” but “You need to stop teasing your brother.”).

If you are not sure your child heard the terminating command or warning, ask her to repeat it back to you. Then pay attention to whether she carries out your instructions and respond immediately to her behavior. If she responds as you have asked, respond positively with praise, thanks, a thumbs-up, a high five, or other acknowledgment that she has done well. If her response is not exactly what you had hoped for but is in the right direction, offer her immediate praise for the part of your command that she did carry out. If your child does not start to respond according to the limits you have set (“one more time” or “within the next two minutes”) invoke the consequences that you have already set, calmly narrating what is happening as you do so (“You did not stop pushing your brother, so you’ll have the five-minute time-out that we just talked about.”) Keep in mind that because you have given a warning and a terminating command and spelled out the consequences for complying or disobeying, if she does not follow your instructions you have not “put her in” the time-out—she has “chosen” the time-out for herself as an alternative to following your command. This is a key point. If you give your child a command, she doesn’t comply, and you immediately “put her” in time-out, you have skipped the step of her choosing whether to receive the positive or negative consequence. You have lost an opportunity to teach her self-control.

If you make a point of following through on the positive or negative consequences of each command, every time, you should soon find that you will not have to repeat your instructions over and over as you probably did before. Your ultimate goal will be to give a command only once for it to be obeyed. Parents often complain, “I have to say it eight times before she does it.” Children are thinking, “The first seven times are free! Then she gets angry and I finally have to do it.” Keep in mind that if you are going to try to follow up on each command you give, you will need to consider beforehand how important the command you are about to give is. Limiting the number of commands you give will make it easier for you to follow up on each and every one, thus increasing your chances of success.

Full article.

National Teen Driver Safety Week

This is National Teen Driver Safety Week. Here’s some good information from AAA.

Car crashes are the leading cause of death for teens in the United States. Teen drivers are involved in more crashes per mile driven than drivers of any other age group.

Parents play the biggest role in keeping their teens safe behind the wheel. Risky driving, traffic violations and crashes are lower among teens whose parents set limits on their driving privileges.

What better time than during Teen Driver Safety Week to establish a parent-teen driving agreement—having rules and restrictions written down in advance establishes driving as a privilege. Click HERE to download the AAA parent-teen agreement.

We encourage you to visit our teen website, Keys2Drive, for a full range of tools to help you and your teen throughout the learning-to-drive process. Get the information you need on driver education, GDL,   insurance, risks and responsibilities, all in ONE place, TeenDriving.AAA.com.

 

MOST eNews October 2014

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National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Especially in the month of October, we remember families that have experienced a loss of one or more of their precious children. In the United States, October 15 of each year is proclaimed as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Lighting a candle at 7pm for one hour, wherever you are, will  create a wave of light around the world!

For more information, articles, resources, offer and receive support and to share memorials visit the MOST Memorial Page, and Bereavement and Loss links.  There are MOST families that have lost one of their babies and others that have lost more than one, even all of them. If you would like to connect with others who have similar circumstances, please contact the MOST office at 631-859-1110, join us on the Family Support Forums, or email Info@MOSTonline.org.

 

 

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Thinking of Halloween yet?M&M trick or treat

Halloween is celebrated by many families this month. There are many terrific photos in the MOST flickr gallery with some cute costume ideas. Perhaps you will see a family you know!

Check them out and PLEASE  share your photos with us!

See more Halloween photos here

 

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Fire Prevention Month

If your children are elementary school age, most likely you will receive many papers and activities about Fire Prevention Month. However, if your children are younger, home-schooled, or in high school or beyond, here  is some information, articles and activities you need to read.  Then National Fire Protection Association (NFPA) has a free ebook and app available (geared to ages preK- 5th). On the same page are mazes, games, print outs and downloads about fire and fire safety. ABCteach also has some downloads and print outs on their Fire Safety Month page.

Free articles: Fire Exit Strategies: Plans for 2 or more children

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National Teen Drive Safety Week  Oct 19-25

Help teens drive safe

Keeping our children safe is important for all ages, at home or on the road.   Some teens need more guidance than others.  Not sure what you need to do to help keep your teen safe behind the wheel? Set the rules, make a contract, enforce the consequences.  (remind you of the toddler years?)

The five rules for every drive, can you name them? No Cell Phones, No Extra Passengers, No Speeding, No Alcohol, and Always Buckle-up.

 

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Stories from the Heart Blog   

Check out the recent articles posted on the MOST Stories from the Heart blog. Feel free to share, pin or link your favorites through Twitter, Facebook, by email, or using your favorite social networking site with family members, friends and professionals. Each post has an easy-to-use ‘Share’ button at the bottom. The most recent titles include:
Have an idea for an article you’d like to read about? Have an article to share? Please let us know by contacting Barb at info@mostonline.org
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MOST Membership

What does MOST offer? Some of the programs offered include one-on-one support, the MOST website, in-depth blog articles, advocacy efforts, outreach programs, development and provision of quality resources and more. MOST membership dues allow us to support other families and extend invitations to members for special events. We invite you to join us! Join MOST for one-time only dues of just $45.00.
Already a member? Give a gift membership! Contact the office at 631-859-1110 or email Barb at info@mostonline.org.  Help us spread the word about how economical it is to become a permanent part of MOST’s thriving community of multiple birth families.
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Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today at 7:00 pm in all time zones, families around the United States will light candles in memory all of the precious babies who have been lost during pregnancy or in infancy.  Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss.

If you or someone you know has suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss due to SIDS/SUID, prematurity or other cause, we hope you will join us in this national tribute to create awareness of these tragic infant deaths and provide support to those that are suffering.

More information can be found here.