If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe.
What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
Time to get a new fence.
Man: I'll bet you $100 that I can lift an elephant with one hand.
Woman: Ha! You're on!
Man: Fine! Go find me an elephant with one hand!
Why were the Pilgrims' pants always falling down?
They wore their belts around their hats.
Why did the cops hang out at the coffee shop?
In case someone got mugged.
Why was the comedian accused of assaulting her audience?
She gagged them and left them in stitches.
How did they catch the crooks at the pig farm?
Someone squealed.
A patient says to his doctor, "I think my tonsils need to be taken out." The doctor says, "I'll make reservations. Would they prefer dinner or dancing?"
What job did Dracula Junior have at the baseball stadium?
He was the bat boy for the night games.
A patient says to his doctor, "I've thrown my back out again. What should I do?" The doctor says, "Look through the trash before it's collected."
A cowboy went to a motel on Friday, stayed for two days, and left on Friday. How is that possible?
His horse was named Friday.
What do farmers plant in their sofas?
Couch potatoes.
What happened when the dry cleaner got mugged?
He pressed charges.
Why do elephants drive Volkswagens?
There's room for four and the rest is trunk space.
Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it does from first to second?
Because there's a shortstop between second and third.
Why don't matches play baseball?
One strike and their out.
What games do tornadoes like to play?
Twister.
Why don't eggs make good quarterbacks?
When their defense cracks, they are too quick to scramble.
A terrified mother called 911. "Help me!" she said. "My son just swallowed a fork!" The 911 told her not to worry and that he would send an ambulance right away. "What should I do until it arrives?" the mother asked him. The operator said, "Use a spoon."
What do you call a woman who no longer owes any money?
Bernadette.
What do you call a man who owes money?
Bill.
What do you call a woman with a sheep on her head?
Baa-baa-rah.
What's the dumbest name to call a zebra?
Spot.
What do you call a man who has been buried for 100 years?
Pete.
What do you call a man without a shovel on his head?
Douglas.
What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
Doug.
Why did the Beetles break up?
They started to bug each other.
What kind of music do they play at a constructive site?
Heavy medal.
What kind of music do they play at a soft-drink factory?
Pop
What kind of music do they play at a playground?
Swing.
What kind of music do they play at Stonehenge?
Hard rock.
If George Washington went to Washington wearing a white winter coat while his wife waited in Wilmington, how many Ws are there in all?
None because there are no W’s in ‘all.’
What do you call a gorilla with a green thumb?
Hairy Potter.
How do the three men in the tub sign their love letters?
"I lub-a-dub-dub you."
Why did the mama bread get mad at her kids?
They were always loafing around.
What should you do if your cake strikes out?
Call in the next batter.
Why was the water fountain taken to court?
For being drunk in a public place.
Lucy: Would you care to join me in a cup of tea?
Larry: Do you really think there is enough room for the two of us?
Why isn't red happy to see purple?
It starts to feel blue.
How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.
What did the 0 say to the 8.
"Nice belt.
Two antennae met on a rooftop, fell in love, and got married.
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was amazing!
What did one plate say to the other?
"Dinner's on me."
One day a little girl put her shoes on by herself for the first time. Her mother notices that her left shoe was on her right foot.
"Honey," said the mom, "I think your shoes are on the wrong feet."
The little girl looked up and said, "No, Mom, I know these are my feet."
Dad 1: My son is so smart, I think he's more intelligent than the president.
Dad 2: Why do you say that?
Dad 1: Well, he could recite the Gettysburg Address when he was ten. Lincoln didn't recite it until he was fifty.
How do you turn a regular scientist into a mad scientist?
Step on her toes.
Why did Captain Kirk sneak into the ladies' room?
He wanted to go where no man has gone before.
What part of the keyboard do astronauts like best?
The space bar.
Who does a baby computer cry for when she's upset?
Her motherboard.
What's the fastest way to crash a computer?
Let an adult use it.
How do you know when your computer has the Disney virus?
Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
A child comes home from her first day of school. Her father asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The daughter replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many would you have?
"One dollar," replied the boy.
"You don't know your arithmetic," said the teacher.
"No," replied the boy. "You don't know my father."
What do math teachers eat?
Square meals.
Sam: Would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: No. of course not.
Sam: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
Chemistry Teacher: What is the formula for water?
Student: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.
Chemistry Teacher: Why would you give a silly answer like that?
Student: You said it was H to O!
What do you get when you mix a fish and an elephant?
Swimming trunks.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh.
Why did the parrot carry an umbrella?
So he could be polyunsaturated.
What did the spider bride wear when she got married?
A webbing dress.
What kind of books do skunks read?
Best-smellers.
What happened when the pig couldn't get up from his fall?
He called a ham-bulance.
What do you call a go-go-dancing pig?
Shakin' bacon.
Where did the sheep go after high school?
Ewe-niversity.
What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kung fu master?
Lamb chops.
Where do baby calves go for lunch?
The calf-eteria.
What's a cat's favorite color?
Purrrrrple.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a chameleon?
An animal that repeats every color it sees.
(Contributed to the MOST Jr. joke page by Neil - age 12)
Why do cows have bells?
Their horns don't work.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut.
Why was the rabbit so unhappy?
She was having a bad hare day.
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came to
take their drink order...
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy. The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their dinner orders. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The meals are brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
table and asked if the pig's would like any dessert."I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy."I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy. "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?" The third piggy says -"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "s" in it?
