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One-Year-Old and Not Dead Yet (pdf)

by Steve Mann, father of triplets girls

One dad shares his top ten list of things he learned during his first year as a parent of triplets. Don’t miss his hard-earned pearls of wisdom like why one spouse shouldn’t negotiate with the other spouse or why no one thinks they can do this, but everyone can.

(published in SUPERTWINS Volume 19 #2 - October 2009)

A Special Salute to a Very Special Father
by Tina L. of PA, Mom of Lauren, Gregory, Stephen, Christopher, Katherine and Matthew

(published in SUPERTWINS Volume 7 #4 - June 1996)

Father's Day has a very special meaning for me this year. The media, lately, has focused so much negative attention on the fathers of today. I believe that the majority of men are truly committed to their family and take fatherhood very seriously. The days of coming home from work to sit in an easy chair, reading the newspaper, and waiting for dinner to be served are long gone. What about those wonderful husbands and fathers of today? I want my husband, Steve, to be recognized as the outstanding father that he is. My children are too young to praise him, so I will.

Our story begins more than eighteen years ago. We were college sweethearts. We fell in love, graduated, and married the year after our graduation. We fell in love, graduated, and married the year after our graduation. Our newlywed life was idyllic. We wanted the "All American Dream" of a single house in the suburbs, two children, and a dog. Sounds easy...

We thought we could make that dream come true. We bought our first house. We even had the dog. OK, let's have the children! After a few months with no luck, I saw my gynecologist. We tried some "low tech" attempts to conceive but achieved no pregnancy. We were recommended to see an infertility specialist. Steve was so stoic after years of failure. He dealt with my moods after being pumped with hormones. He supported my during test after test, and held my hand after numerous surgeries. He barely complained when I would yell, "Steve, our appointment is at 9:00. Don't you have your specimen yet?"

We were so elated to become pregnant after three long years. Finally, our luck had changed. But the pregnancy was a tubal pregnancy and there I was back in the operating room. Now I was consumed with conceiving. We did it once, we can do it again! Steve was an incredible support. He was uncomfortable with all the high tech procedures, but went along with it because it was so important to me.

Another year passed without a baby. Our doctor said there was nothing more he could do. So off I dragged Steve to Doctor #3! We tried IVF in a big center but we met no better outcome. We were told our only option left was adoption. It was like a bomb hit us. Why couldn't I get pregnant? We did everything right. This was definitely a very low point in both of our lives - our biggest dream taken away from us. We waited and prayed. The happiest day of our lives was the day our beautiful daughter was placed in our arms. Lauren was the baby we longed for and dreamt about for years. The past years of failure were behind us. Our lives were complete.

A few more years passed and my desire to have another baby was becoming strong again. I didn't think we would be lucky enough to adopt a second time, so I asked Steve to see one more doctor. Steve was content with our life and didn't want to start up that painful process all over again. But like before, I won. We spent Christmas Eve of 1992 with many people. But these people were strangers in a doctor's waiting room. Strangers, yes, yet they knew us very well. We were just like them, infertile couples with a desperate need to conceive.

This time it worked...but worked too well. We were pregnant with quadruplets! Steve was a constant source of support through a horrible pregnancy which required 12 weeks of hospitalization. Steve maintained the house, had full responsibility of Lauren (who was 3) and still managed to keep his job! Nine weeks premature, we delivered our babies - Gregory, Stephen, Christopher and Katherine.

They all had their ups and downs, but within eight weeks we were able to have all our precious babies home. Along with the babies, though, came oxygen tanks, an oxygen monitor, apnea monitors, and meds. It was overwhelming, to say the least. The babies required constant care. I am a nurse so at least I was familiar with all the equipment. But for Steve, the only time he saw all those monitors were on episodes of ER! There were wires, tubes, and blinking red lights everywhere; a far cry from the cozy nursery you dream about. Many times we didn't think we would make it. But through the grace of God, devotion to our family and each other (and lots of help from family and friends) we made it. Steve was my rock. Many days he went to work and had to function with virtually no sleep.

Before the babies were three months old, I went back to work. I took a position working 12 hour weekend shifts. I was at home on the weekdays (when Steve worked), then he became the caregiver on weekends. We were both nervous, but we needed my income. So off I went, leaving Steve to handle the five children and all the equipment by himself. My first weekend on, I had arranged for various family and friends to come and give Steve a hand. But a blizzard hit that weekend, leaving Steve with no help! And if that wasn't enough, we lost all power from the storm and Steve had to pack up all the children, monitors, meds and all the supplies one would need for newborn quadruplets. We had to stay the night at my sister's house. The next day I went to work and Steve packed everyone up again and headed back home. He was remarkable.

Our family survived and at times seemed to thrive. We put our small house up for sale to buy a house that could accommodate our family of seven. WE developed a nice routine and the babies were growing up healthy and happy. We were glad to have the infant stage behind us and were looking forward to the next stage of their lives. Steve would on occasion ask if I thought we should use birth control. I would laugh and say "Don't be ridiculous! It has been eleven years and we have never conceived on our own. It's not going to happen now!" Never say never! Twenty three months after the birth of our quadruplets we delivered Matthew. Steve actually did the delivery (with the help of our obstetrician, of course!). Matthew is a beautiful boy, with blond hair, blue eyes and Down Syndrome. It was devastating news to get. So many thoughts entered our minds. "How can we raise a handicapped child with everything else we have to handle?" "Why us?"

Steve held my hand and we held our son with all the love a parent can have. Steve told me the next day that he always questioned what his "calling" was, why God put him on this earth. Now he understood. Steve believes God's calling for him is his family, to raise his six children and give them the best life possible.

Matthew is eight months old. He lights up every room he is in. He brings love to everyone who meets him. Steve and I cannot imagine our lives without the sweet presence of Matthew. We have enrolled him in an Early Intervention Program and he is doing fantastic. His therapists are very proud of his accomplishments (so are his mom and dad!)

I went back to my weekend position at the hospital when Matt was four weeks old. Steve now cares for the six children by himself. I'm amazed at how well he does. It's still an overwhelming job at times, but the rewards of six hugs and kisses at bedtime make it all worthwhile. On weekdays, Steve comes home from work not with dinner waiting at the table but with six children who want his undivided attention - four toddlers want to play, a six year old who wants to relate her entire day's events and an infant who wants hugs. I know Steve's life would have been very different and maybe more normal had he married someone else. I'm glad he stuck by me. Steve is the best husband and father that any one could want.

Happy Father's Day, Steve. I Love You!

Learn more about marriage and multiple births from MOST's Divorce and the Multiple Birth Family survey.

It's All About Perspective
by Donna Perry, Mother to Daniel (9/00-4/01) and Joseph (9/00), Amanda, Samantha, Olivia, & Victoria (7/02)

(published in SUPERTWINS Volume 16 #3 - Fall 2006)

When Help Doesn't Come Through

I don’t think that anyone at MOST will think you expect help. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, says that there will be help, not to worry. People and money will come out of the woodwork and you genuinely will have a village to help you in the early months after the babies are born. Just have faith and the church, community, friends and family will provide. You hear this so much that you start to believe it a little.

Asking for Help

Then, when the volunteers or donations don’t come through, you can’t just ask for it because you will probably be perceived as greedy or that you feel entitled. You’d feel uncomfortable doing that anyway. I had a boss once who told me that “perception is reality” therefore, we need to conduct ourselves so that we are beyond reproach. If people perceive that you feel entitled to assistance, then that is their reality and the judgment begins. Friends and family can sometimes be enthusiastic about helping, and in their minds, just coming right out and asking others to “HELP this family” sounds like the best thing to do. Unfortunately, others in the community might think that the parents, even if they are not even the ones doing the asking or letting others know there is a need, are just looking for an easy ride.

Some families have been criticized by the media and members of their community because they have a “How Can I Help” page on their family website or blog. On the page they may list items like diapers, formula, onesies and other daily needs. Some even list vehicles or help with housing issues. Many families put those pages up because so many people do ask “How can I help? Or “What do you need?” Having it easily accessible on the web page makes it easier on everyone, but some people can perceive this as begging or entitlement (especially with high dollar requests.) If you plan to post a list like that, be aware you may hear both sides of this perspective.

Coming to Terms  

Many families of higher-order multiples wonder how they are going to provide for their families. Suddenly thoughts of college tuition, weddings, or maintaining your professional self and all the other dreams they had for their children’s and their own future are out of the question or at least logistically difficult. Multiple birth families get about 6 months of pregnancy to come to terms with their new reality. While I was pregnant, I questioned whether a MOST membership would be worth me dishing out $25 dollars because I was thinking of how many diapers or cans of formula I could buy for that money. Or, what if I invested it? How much would that contribute to college expenses in 18 years? Thinking back, I realize how ridiculous that line of thinking was since we live fine on my husband’s salary. (And yes, in my opinion, the MOST membership is worth every penny and then some!)

Many families of multiples wonder how they are going to do this even though the whole world is telling you that a lot will be done for you. The media can even make it seem that truckloads of diapers and formula appear in the driveway along with armies of happy, compliant, non-judgmental volunteers ready and willing to help feed, diaper, cuddle, and rock your babies leaving mom time to just enjoy their “babiness.”

Unfortunately for some, if not many families, when it’s time, the promises often go unfulfilled, and parents are left wondering what to do. If only they knew 2 months ago that the crib someone promised wouldn’t happen! They would have found a way to get the crib and check that to-do off their list so they can move on to the next important task.

Are We Really Special?

The truth is that many people think that we are special or that we get special treatment. There will be those, and some of us find them in our own families – such as a sister-in-law, whose singleton is about the same age as your quadruplets, and she believes that the quadruplets steal that child’s thunder. Or, there are those who think you knew the risk, so now you have to face the consequences as if you went into a fertility clinic and said, “Oh I’ll take 1 of those, 2 of those, and oh what the heck, throw that one in too.” Then there are those who are in awe of all you do “dealing with all those kids.”  Families of multiples are somehow on a pedestal. Recently, a mom in my children’s preschool parking lot said to me, “we all just don’t know how you do it!” My thoughts were, well okay, I do it like you do but with 5 preschoolers instead of 1 preschooler, 1 toddler, and 1 infant. Secondly, who is “we” and how much does everyone whisper about me in the preschool hallway! And lastly, I’m trying to get my 5 children to hold hands and not cross the yellow line into traffic, and I need to concentrate on their safety, so I can’t be distracted by this right now.

Sometimes I think those moms are the ones who think my house is spotless and I’m more organized than the Flylady. Well, if that’s what they perceive, then I’ll let that be their reality. My reality is a sink full of dishes, someone’s underwear on the bathroom floor, the dog eating plastic toys then throwing them up, and a piano under half an inch of dust because I often only get basic cleaning done.

You are Not Alone

Updated 8/30/10